A Harrowing Tale
by theonlyxception
Summary: After confiding in Dr. Frome about my childhood and how I had abandoned my mom and sister, I relinquished the fact I needed help. Takes place after the season 1 finale. Spoilers ahead.
1. Lauren- Part One

I was always led to believe nothing good happens in the back of an ambulance. When my dad got sick, he had been wheeled into one and I never saw him again. My mom had probably had her share of it being an alcoholic. My sister had overdosed four times and was wheeled into an ambulance every time, and I figured that one of those times, neither one of them would be coming back from their stint on the merry-go-round they were on. Never once did I believe I would join them there.

When I became a doctor and started working at a hospital, I began seeing the inside of an ambulance bed more times than I could count. The one thing I hadn't done was step inside one, at least not of my own free will. My sister and I had been accustomed to riding in them when younger because there was no one else to take care of us while my mom was sick. Still, despite staying in temporary care, we somehow always ended back up with my mom who would always convince the doctor that she was always striving to recover as an alcoholic.

I lived with that lie for so many years, and frankly, I was sick of living it. So after much contemplation, I decided one day after tucking my twelve-year-old little sister Vanessa into bed, I would leave home and pursue the things I wanted in my life. Even though I knew they wouldn't be okay without me, Still with that knowledge, I worked hard for what I wanted, but I never saw my sister again. I only heard about her stints in rehab. When I would try to visit, she would decline when she knew it was me.

It literally killed me knowing she had every right to be angry, even all these years later. I left her with a horrible, alcoholic mother who I'm sure was no good for her. She, in turn, escaped with drugs and alcohol, repeating the exact cycle of our mother. So after watching them both struggle from a distance, I promised myself I would not follow in those same footsteps.

However, I did. I turned to Adderall like it was my saving grace. I used it more often than I should have. I was so impaired I made mistakes that could have killed my patients. On top of that, I was working more hours than I was physically capable. I realized it was a cycle or the merry-go-round no one truly wanted to ride on.

I embarrassed myself in front of my colleagues long enough. I had an intervention by Dr. Helen Sharpe I had become more than angry about her butting into my life. No, I didn't want people covering my mistakes for the rest of my life but it was hard for people to know about my problems.

Eventually, when I had cooled down, Dr. Iggy Frome and I talked about my childhood and how I felt guilty for abandoning my mom and sister when I was younger. At that point, I knew I had to ask for help because I wanted to stop myself before I got to that destructive point where I could never turn back.

Iggy sent me to a wonderful rehab center, which I wasn't exactly grateful for at first. It was hard packing, dealing with my feelings, not being in total control, and especially not being a doctor. I guess for awhile there, I felt like I wasn't anything other than me. Then Dr. Floyd Reynolds showed up in my room, sending me through a flood of feelings again. At first, I felt anger, shock, and sent him away because I never wanted too many people knowing where I really was other than on vacation. As the days went on though, I thought about how he had shown up for me when he didn't have to. It made me feel less alone and more as if I could conquer the world.

I began opening up more in group therapy. I was progressively getting better each day and I felt proud of how far I had come. I even helped a patient who had overdosed at the rehab center during the snowstorm, which felt great even though I had doubts about continuing my career as a doctor or even working at New Amsterdam ever again.

So when I got out of rehab, I figured it was time to stop thinking about it and break the news to Dr. Max Goodwin about never returning. What I would do next was beyond me. I was seriously considering taking the time to repair bridges with my mom and sister, although how far I would get with that was probably a whopping zero considering I had just gotten out of rehab myself.

I figured if that didn't work, I would find a new place to live. I could eventually start new and go from there. Heaven knows I had saved every penny up until now and I had accrued more leave and vacation time than I knew what to do with it in the first place.

It was bittersweet knowing I was giving my goodbye to a hospital I had given my life to. I had put myself through medical school. I ran an emergency department at one of the best teaching hospitals in New York. That was something to be proud of.

However, my goodbyes were pretty much dashed when I couldn't pin down Max. According to Floyd, things had gotten worse for him. He quickly explained how Helen sent our beloved medical director home, which left me scrambling for another taxi to go to his place just so I could talk to him. I thought for sure it would be a quick trip and I could actually go home and sleep in my own bed for the first time in almost a month. In fact, it was something I was looking forward to.

So when Max didn't answer the first knock on his apartment door, I had to say I grew a little impatient and knocked again. When he finally responded his appearance was more than worrisome: pale face, shaking demeanor, hands and shirt covered in blood. Not his blood. No,

that was Georgia's blood all over him.

While everything inside me was telling me I had to help, I was scared. I was scared for Max. I was scared for Georgia. For their baby girl who was so eager to come into this world. All I knew was this little girl was going to have one heck of a story to tell if she survived it.

Time was ticking away and we both knew it. I ligated the artery that was causing the bleeding from the placenta, but it wasn't enough. Despite all efforts, Georgia was still having contractions that were squeezing the umbilical cord and causing distress to the baby.

I knew beyond all belief that Georgia and the baby didn't have all the time we thought they did. The blood loss was already playing a huge factor, and with the fact that an ambulance was on its way, there was still hope they could all make it if I could deliver the baby, but Max didn't want to. He wanted some miracle I didn't know we had. It was extremely risky doing surgery other than in a hospital. In fact, home surgeries were never a good idea because of the lack of sterilization, no blood transfusions, no real supplies, among other things that could go wrong.

However, if I hadn't come in here in the first place. If I hadn't walked up to his door to tell Max that I was leaving, Georgia would have died regardless. Right now it didn't really matter why I was here because either outcome wasn't a good one at the moment.

That's why I pleaded with him to let me do the surgery, even though his wife and daughter might not make it. I wanted to do this one thing for him in order to try to save both of them. To give him the family he had worked so hard to keep in the first place.

He finally looked me in the eye, both of us in tears as he gave me a meager okay to proceed. As much as I wanted to prepare him for this, I knew I couldn't. I couldn't even prepare myself at the prospect of cutting open his wife with a kitchen knife, unwrapping the crimped umbilical cord choking the life out of his daughter and pulling her out from the womb.

When I did finally pull her out, I couldn't help noticing how beautiful she was. If I had time, I would have enjoyed the moment more. Instead, I cleared her airway and passed her on to Max who was talking to Georgia as if she were awake and enjoying the moment too.

I just hoped as I packed Georgia's stomach with gauze that help really was on the way. Her skin looked blanched from the continued loss of blood. I was running out of options to keep her alive. I told him I would take the responsibility in delivering his daughter, but there wouldn't be much left to decide if I couldn't save her.

After Max put his head beside her, the alarm started going off signaling her heart rate was falling at a rapid speed. I forced him to move to give me space as I started doing compressions. Thankfully I got some help from Sharpe and the two paramedics who rushed in and set up a blood transfusion, defibrillator, and other medications.

Two shocks, I found she had a weak but growing heart rate. It was a relief for everyone around knowing she would be okay. At least for now. She was stable and that was what mattered. Now we just needed to get her to the hospital in one piece.

When she was stable enough to move, Max and I walked nearest to Georgia. He had given the baby up for a few minutes after so the EMT's could look her over but she seemed to be in good shape. Her breathing was fine. Her Apgar was a solid nine. She was sleeping soundly in her daddy's arms as we all walked out of the building.


	2. Lauren- Part Two

For a few minutes, everything felt like it was returning back to normal. Helen apologized profusely for what she had done by telling Max about my addiction. I told her she had saved me. She, in turn, told me if I hadn't been here Max would not have Georgia or Luna here right now.

Okay, maybe it was true. I did come into the visit thinking this visit would just be some mundane talk where I would tell Max about wanting to leave, and he would try to talk me out of it. Instead, we didn't talk about any of that. When I met Max at the door and he just had this panic-stricken look on his face, I couldn't help throwing words out the window and focusing on being a doctor.

I actually didn't mind not talking about the real reason I was there because I had a sudden thought as Max asked me to step into that ambulance. That thought was maybe I was too premature about leaving New Amsterdam, or not being a doctor anymore. In fact, being there and helping had kind of reminded me of why I had become a doctor in the first place.

So, I happily hopped into that ambulance. Partially at the prospect of being in the hospital again. As for the people I worked with, I was nervous as heck to see them again. I had avoided everyone at all costs earlier when I had been looking for Max. Besides him, Floyd was pretty much the only other person I wanted to talk to right now. Or maybe that was only because I didn't quite know what to say to everyone else.

Whatever choice I made, to come back or not, it felt good to be back for a moment The happiness on Max's face as he held his daughter was magical. The fact that Georgia woke up to meet her daughter was even better. Even Helen looked happier than I had seen her in awhile. If I had caused any part of her unhappiness, I had a lot of improving to making sure I was a better friend in the future.

"Lauren? Would you mind filling in the EMT's that is awake, and everything is prepared for when we get to New Amsterdam?" I nodded, turning immediately to peek my head through the small window, relaying everything Helen had told me. I was so focused on telling them that I didn't notice what was coming next.

We were just a little under block to the hospital, heading through the intersection when a sickening crunch of metal echoed through the streets, causing dread to any happiness and joy we were experiencing, Glass shattered around us as the force to the passenger side was hit.

I tried to hang on to the seat or anything I could for the sake of holding on. For a minute, I thought it had worked, but I too was forced forward, slamming my head on the roof. I felt things literally tearing apart in the back as I began to lose consciousness. The smell of burning rubber began to evade my nostrils as the ambulance shifted harshly once more and then just as my vision was blackening, I heard another shattering of glass before there was nothing.

After that point, I felt nothing. In fact, I was intensely confused at what had happened. I had no idea what day or what time it was. My eyelids were heavy. I couldn't seem to wake up fully like I wanted to. In fact, my whole body felt heavy, unmoving. I tried to wrack my mind around what could have happened, but I couldn't and slipped into a heavy sleep once more.

That scenario repeated a handful of times, I'm sure. Events and voices only came in pieces. It was like my mind and my body couldn't handle what was going on. Voices were garbled, almost as if they were far away. Sometimes they echoed around me as if they were talking through a speaker.

I willed myself to open my eyes to see who was there but even focusing on coming back to the world was tiring and I often fell back to the darkness around me. The voices faded. I saw myself standing in the middle of that blackness, no one around me for miles. A long mirror appeared to the right of me.

I held up my left hand first then my right as if I couldn't believe I was moving. Even further, I was surprised I could move into the reflection. My mouth fell slightly open as I found I was dressed in a familiar off-white, quarter sleeve shirt, and light jeans. I tilted my head ever so slightly to the side as if I knew why this seemed so connected in the first place. I couldn't put my finger on it as my mind tried to make sense of everything that was happening around me.

I tried to find my voice but as I tried to speak, nothing came out. I put my hand on my chest by my vocal cord, trying again. Nothing came out.

Okay, Lauren. Don't panic. I peered into the mirror, first at my reflection then at the ceiling. At least you can still think. So think about this. Why wouldn't you be able to talk? Are you asleep? Were you hurt? Sick?

Hurt seemed the most logical. At least that was what my mind was telling me anyway. I kept hearing this annoying beeping, which was all too familiar working in a hospital every day. It was a heart monitor, which I didn't realize how annoying it was not having a choice being hooked up to one.

The question I couldn't figure out was why. Which lead to other questions like why was I hooked up to a heart monitor? Who found me? Did I do this to myself? Before I could answer those questions, I felt my focus blur. I was staring up at the ceiling. Definitely not the same one as before. I was no longer enveloped by darkness, which in a way was relieving.

Now if I could get someone's attention. Just the mere fact I was moving my eyes to the side was sending pain through my head as I glanced around the room. That wasn't very normal, was it? The room seemed empty. Disappointment settled in as I couldn't see anyone there, at least not at first. Footsteps echoed in a few minutes later, although I was still having a difficult time following what was happening.

"Casey. Page Dr. Candelario. Let her know Dr. Bloom is awake."


	3. See You Again

Casey had always been the main guy I had worked with in the emergency department. From the moment we had met, I found him to be the one I always wanted working by my side. I had always known him to be a soft-spoken nurse with a conscious.

"Hey." Casey appeared beside me, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I can't tell you how good it is to see your face again." He shot me a relieved grin, as leaned against the gurney. Although I had gotten really good at reading between the lines, especially when it came to him. Just like we all had telling signs when something was wrong. His was trying a little too hard to stay upbeat.

"She awake?" I heard Candelario's voice come from the doorway as she snapped on some gloves. The rubbery sound was something you never forgot, especially when you felt like you put on a hundred of them during your shift.

"Awake and alert at the moment," Casey reported, stepping more to the front of the gurney so Candelario could stand where he had been just a few minutes ago. Awake and alert was part of the standard procedure of removing the breathing tube sustaining my oxygen and breathing. The other requirements were having adequate oxygen, adequate arterial blood gas, sitting up in bed and having a presence of spontaneous cough. "Blood pressure is holding."

"Good." Dr. Candelario pulled her stethoscope from around her neck to listen to my heart and lungs. "She responding at all to you?"

"No. I've been working with Dr. Bloom for years and I know her well enough to tell most of what she's thinking. If I could have grinned, I would have. Internally, I made a noise inside that I was pretty sure no one else could hear me make.

"Interesting." Dr. Candelario mused, pausing for a moment before placing her stethoscope back around her neck. "Fortunately, I can't read minds, which leaves me to ask," She turned around to pull the pain level chart from off the stand next to me. "What's your level of pain?" I hadn't tested movement in my hands yet, which when I did, I found my fingers were slightly stiff and I could barely lift it to point to the zero.

"Zero." Dr. Candelario relayed with a slight raise of her eyebrow and they both exchanged slightly shocked glances with each other. "Are you sure?" I blinked once to physically acknowledge what I had chosen on the pain chart. I knew that it sounded too good to be true. I even doubted my answer a little. What I was feeling more and more of though was tiredness, a true side effect of whatever drugs were coursing through my veins.

"Lauren." Casey tilted his head to the side as if he couldn't believe what I was alluding to, which made me wonder how badly injured I was. I tried to sneak a look but I had a limited range of mobility and a blanket over my body. I could hardly look at him to respond as my eyelids grew heavier.

I must have not opened them again because I was back in that same dark room with the high ceiling and a mirror standing up on its own. Although I didn't seem to be retaining much information, it made more sense that I couldn't speak when I was in this room. However, I was still walking around when I seemed incapacitated while awake.

_Is anyone here or am I just going to be trapped in this darkened room whenever I fall asleep? _

I wandered around a little more, feeling slightly confused at what this place was. I must have walked around the room twice before I caught sight of a small opening covered with the same material as the wall. No wonder I had missed it.

Pulling it open, I ducked through the door and entered into a long hall lined with maroon fabric this time. Floating lights overhead cast eerie shadows as I stepped down the narrow hall. Just as I reached my hand towards the dark wooden door, a familiar voice came from behind me.

"Lauren." It was my sister Vanessa. She looked surprisingly stable for being committed to rehab four times over the years. In fact, she looked quite normal. This version of her, she was wearing a blue sweatshirt and white jeans. Her dark brown hair was curly and pulled up into a loose ponytail.

"Vanessa?" My first instinct was to walk up to her and give her a big hug, but something told me even in this place she hadn't forgiven me for leaving.

"Yeah, I'm here." Vanessa put her sleeve up to her mouth, which I recognized as something she had done since she was little. It was her way of seeking comfort when she needed it, and I guess even in dream form she needed it. "Although, I'm not sure why. You're the one who left me, remember?"

"I have always regretted leaving you, Ness." My hands fell back to my side as I turned to fully face her direction. "Do you think it wasn't hard for me to just walk out the door and leave? I cried for months afterward and I have lived with that guilt ever since."

"Good for you!" Vanessa screeched with rage as she took one step forward, then immediately stepped back in place. "Is that what you want me to say? Do you want me to give you some pat on the back for leaving me with our alcoholic mother?"

"You're right. I can't ever take that back." I felt my whole body shaking by this point, but I ignored it. I didn't care what it meant because all I could feel right now was frustration lingering through me. "She was never the mother we needed after dad passed. I don't expect you to understand any of it, because I didn't."

"Is that why you left because you didn't understand?"

"I left because I wanted to show you there was a better life out there, and even though we grew up with a crappy life, we didn't have to live that way." Swinging my arms back and forth, I felt a sudden pendulum change of emotions. If only it went like this in real life.

"I wish you could have shown me that way to live because it looks like you did well for yourself."

"For a while, I did." I nodded, highly doubting the words coming out of my mouth. Although if I hadn't left home when I did, I would have ended up living on the streets. Maybe I would have been begging for money to fuel my drug and alcohol addiction. "I'm not sure how well I'm doing at the moment."

"Well, don't start feeling guilty now." She teased, gazing up at me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "You may have been injured, but we still have a lot to talk about when you wake up. So, wake up Lauren. Show me what this world you're living in is really like."


	4. Battle Wounds

As I opened my eyes, it took me a minute to adjust; to place the fact that I was no longer in some dark limbo talking to my addict of a sister who wanted nothing to do with me. It took me longer than usual to pinpoint sounds over the loud whirs of the ventilator and machines, but I soon realized I wasn't alone in the room.

A few minutes later, Floyd came into view. He looked as if he just came from a long day of work as he was still wearing his regular white dress shirt and black pants. "Hey, so I had everyone telling me you woke up earlier. Sorry I missed all the excitement."

_It's fine. You really didn't miss much._

"I know you just woke up, but I'm not sure how much I can deal with these one-sided conversations." With a long pause, he finally pulled up a chair and set it beside the hospital bed.

"In fact, I could really use one of your witty remarks right now."

_Long day, huh?_

"Yeah, it was." He stated, which was slightly shocking, considering he was reading my mind right now. "I know that look. It's the one you always give me when we've both had a long day. Which you definitely beat me out on, by the way."

_Because of the whole, I'm in the hospital thing. Yeah, I get it._

"Between you and me, Max is still trying to figure out why you were at his place." He cast a glance out the door just to make sure no one was listening to our conversation. "I didn't have the heart to tell him why you were there. Fact is, I'm still trying to process it all."

_Me too. Now I'm not so sure about my decision. This place is actually the first place that feels like home._

"You know, I just got an idea." Searching around the room, he held up his index finger to wait before disappearing from the room. When he returned a few minutes later, he was holding a small whiteboard in his hands.

_Okay, I see where this is going._

"Let's see how this works for you." He placed the pen in my hand, careful to not disturb any of the wires or IV's I was hooked up to. Honestly, I wasn't sure how this would work, considering just waking up, but he was a saint for trying.

After a few encouraging nods from him, he held the board up for me to write, _how did I get here? _in the shakiest letters ever known to man.

"You were in an accident."

_Accident? _ I wrote back, shifting the pen down to the bottom of the whiteboard. _Car?_

"Ambulance, actually." He shifted his focus with a concerned glance. "Lauren, do you remember anything about that day?" My first response was no, but I took several minutes to think about it before honestly giving my answer. As I did, I was pulled into what felt like a short version of what happened. I saw a flash of me peering through the window of the ambulance, metal crunching, and blackness. The whole thing was slightly haunting it took me a few minutes to pull myself back together. He must have noticed because I could see him glancing at me more now. _Ambo. Metal. Blackness._

"Okay, that's a start. You remember anything else?"

_No. What happened?_

"You were on the way to New Amsterdam with Max, Helen, Georgia, and Luna." He hesitated a moment before responding, which made sense in some way. You ask the patient first what they know, especially when they've been diagnosed with a concussion.

_Luna._ Why did that name seem so familiar?

"_She's great."_ My words floated back to me as I sat down next to Max in the ambulance. I remembered thinking about how I was grateful for this second chance, and maybe one day this could be me. I could be a mother to a little girl or a little boy with someone just as loving as Max was with Georgia.

"Lauren?" Floyd questioned, coming back into view as I held the pen up mid-air against the board. "We can stop if this is too much, or we can talk about something else."

_No. I'm good_. I shook off his concern. I needed answers and if this is the way I was going to get it, I would take it. _Georgia had the baby. _

"Yes, thanks to you Max has his wife and baby."

_I delivered Georgia's baby._

"You did. Seems like that little girl is going to have quite the story to tell when she gets older."

_Wouldn't doubt it. How's Max?_

"He got banged up pretty good. Let's just say he's hanging in there as much as he can."

_Georgia?_

"She's hanging in there too." He was oddly vague, which I would have to ask him about later when I could actually talk out loud and have a better conversation. "And before you ask, Luna is okay too."

_Helen?_

"She got banged up pretty good. Lots of bruises and cuts."

_Good. EMTs?_

"The driver made it. He has a head injury and a broken arm but I think he's on mend. The EMT on the passenger side wasn't so lucky."

_Oh._ I finally felt my eyes grow heavy as if the weight of all the questions I had were settling in.

"I'll let you get some rest. I should be getting back to Evie anyway."

_Wait. How is she?_ I mustered the strength to write as he read the question. He must be getting tired of all the questions I had. I was getting tired of all the questions I had, even though I still had lots of them to ask.

"She's good." He smiled brightly, blushing happily as he stared down at the bed. "You'll be happy to know I took your advice to have her meet my family."

_About time. _

"Yeah, I know. It took me a while to get the courage to invite her, but in the end, I'm glad I did because I asked her to marry me." I raised my eyebrow in slight surprise, although it was apparent this would happen because he and Eve were meant to be together from the beginning.

_Did she say yes?_

"Yes, she did."

_Took you long enough. Congrats!_

"Now there's the Lauren I know and love." He teased, chuckling to himself as if I had told him some funny joke. "I meant it when I said it was good to have you back. Things haven't been the same since you left."


	5. Improvement

"She's starting to posture." A familiar voice broke through as my eyes slammed open. It was clear I was fighting against the breathing tube and now they had to either push drugs to keep me from struggling against what was keeping me alive, or I had passed the readiness test and I was going to be extubated.

Either way, it was a scary feeling not feeling like I could breathe. In some ways, I felt out of control as my room filled with doctors and nurses who worked on stabilizing me. I was barely aware of what they were saying or what was happening until I felt Dr. Candelario standing next to me.

"Okay, Lauren. We're going to work on getting this tube out so you can start breathing on your own." She turned to the person beside her I had worked with many times before, although her name was escaping me at the moment. "Let's start suctioning out the tube. Lauren, I'm going to need you to cough for me as I pull the tube out."

_I can't breathe._

The nurse handed her the suction as she disconnected the tube and threaded the small suction through the tube before connecting it back to the ventilator. Another nurse suctioned out my mouth and Dr. Candelario disconnected the tube and hooked me up to a resuscitation bag. I could feel myself working to spontaneously breathe on my own the more minutes time that passed. The tape holding the tube was loosened, the cuff was deflated.

"Lauren, just like we talked about before. I'm going to give you one deep breath and you're going to cough so I can pull this tube out. Ready?"

_Yes._

"1...2...3...Big breath." Dr. Candelario instructed me as I coughed with such force, I thought for sure my lungs were going to explode. After I was settled a little more, that same nurse who had handed her the suction placed an oxygen mask over my mouth. "This is going to help bring a little air to the back of your throat." The nurse soothed, moving the mask down so she could suction my mouth again.

"Let's go ahead and monitor her closely for the next five to ten minutes." Dr. Candelario told her as she nodded and moved to change her gloves. "Lauren, you did great. We're going to hang around and make sure you're doing okay for the next hour or two, but you should be on your way to breathing on your own now."

_Great, thanks._

I wasn't ready to speak just yet, so I nodded back instead and leaned my head back against my pillow to rest my eyes. It almost felt foreign breathing on my own; something I would never take for granted again as long as I lived.

"Dr. Frome."

"How's she doing?"

"So far, good. Her blood pressure is stable. She seems to be breathing just fine. Now we just wait another hour or two to see if she keeps tolerating breathing on her own."

"What about pain management?"

"As far as I know, she's in no pain at the moment, which is remarkable given all the injuries she sustained in the accident."

"Thanks. I won't stay long." His heavy footsteps followed as he pulled up a chair by my hospital bed. It took me a few minutes but I steadily gained the energy to open my eyes again. "Hey,

Lauren."

_Iggy._

"It's been awhile. How are you doing?"

_Eh, I've been better._ Reaching towards the small white board that had been placed by the railing of the bed, I pulled the cap off and began scribbling back a response on the board.

_Couldn't be better._

"Ah, a little Lauren Bloom sarcasm. I see you haven't lost it throughout all this." He pressed his hands together as he leaned his elbow against his leg. That's good."

_Yep! How's the family?_

"They're good. Uh, Dr. Candelario told me you're in no pain, which is good because the drugs are doing what they're supposed to."

_I'm sensing a but in there somewhere._

"No, but. Just concern. Do you remember what we talked about that day before you left the hospital?" He lowered his voice as there were still a couple of nurses hovering nearby as we conversed and caught up. It had been a couple of months since we had talked last. At least I remembered that.

_Not really, no._

"We talked about how it's okay to tell someone what you're really feeling. Not holding it all in."

_I'll keep that in mind. Right now, I'm good._

"Okay." Iggy relented after a few moments of silence between us. He still didn't seem convinced. I couldn't guarantee I would be this positive later. All I knew was right now I was feeling fine and was a little confused at what he was hinting at."I should get back to work. Just remember I'm here for you if there's anything you ever want to talk about."

_Thanks. I'll let you know._

"One more thing." He paused midstep as he pressed closer to the door. "I'm really glad to see you're okay. Just remember I'm just one person you can go to if things get tough. You have a lot of people rooting for you and are on your side if you need them to be."

_I will keep that in mind._

"I will always be here for you, Lauren. I'll keep being here as long as you need me to be." Iggy took a few steps back towards the bed as his gaze softened. "I'm sure that goes for everyone else who you've worked with in this hospital. You've been through something so remarkably difficult you don't have to be alone while dealing with it."

Although I wanted to ask if he had extended that same offer to Max and Helen, I knew he probably had. He seemed different than his usual self, a hard edge to his tone. It was clear he was going through something and made me realize I had missed a lot while gone. Knowing that I had, made it that much harder to give up my plan of leaving.

It was true. This hospital and the people I worked with had become my home I never seemed to have growing up. It was refreshing knowing people genuinely cared about me. That I could share a laugh or a joke with them without judgment. I wasn't trying to raise my little sister and myself while my mother got drunk on the couch every day. Instead, I was doing something with my life. I was Dr. Lauren Bloom, head of the emergency department at New Amsterdam.


	6. Plant Where You Bloom

"Hey." Max looked pleasantly happy as he entered my room, although his appearance was a little shocking from the last time I had seen him, and I wasn't talking about the physical ones. "What do you think of the name, Luna Ren Goodwin?"

"If that's the name you stick with, then her name will forever mean moon of the water lily." I rasped out, finally testing my voice for the first time since being off the ventilator. Up until this point, I was using the whiteboard to communicate. Now I was getting tired of writing out all my thoughts and was ready to say something, even though I wasn't sure what talking brought to the table.

"I may be able to live with that. Actually has a good ring to it." He rubbed his finger over his brow in confusion. "How exactly did you know Ren meant water lily?"

"My sister gave me the nickname when she was little," I stated softly, feeling the sadness creeping back in at the mention of her. "She couldn't pronounce Lauren, so her I became Ren. I still remember her asking me what it meant, so we went to the library that night and looked it up."

"She like what it meant?" Max questioned, pulling Luna's carrier closer after he saw me trying to look around him. "Georgia is still recovering, so she stays with me."

"Loved it. We looked up water lilies for about twenty minutes before I had to drag her home." At the time, it wasn't fun having to drag my screaming sister from the computer as I proclaimed we needed to get home before mom. That had stilled her because even at a young age she knew

what that meant if we weren't.

"Would you like to meet her?" Max glanced down at the carrier and I kept getting flashbacks of Luna in Max's arms. It was clear she had grown up a lot since then, which made me wonder just how long I had been asleep. "I mean officially because you delivered her."

"I don't know the first thing about holding a baby other than delivering them, apparently."

"She's surprisingly quite easy." He crouched down, already pulling her from her seat into his arms. "Very snuggly and cuddly. Kind of like a small teddy bear, except for the fur." Walking over my hospital bed, he showed her off proudly as he bounced her up and down for several minutes.

"Fine." I relented, feeling like he was waiting for my permission to put her in my arms. I had always wanted to be an aunt, and this may be the closest I ever got. "Hand her over." She was surprisingly light as I supported her neck.

"Lauren, if you weren't at my apartment last week, she wouldn't be alive. Georgia-" He paused, his expression feeling with emotion. "Would not be here. Now I've been wracking my brain and asking everyone in this hospital to why you would be at my apartment at the exact moment things went wrong, but no one seems to know."

"_Come on Max, pick up." _My words floated back to me as I had hopped into the taxi. _Please call me. It's important. It's about New Amsterdam. _I wrote in all caps as I gave the address to the driver and we headed across town.

"The last thing you wrote in your text message was," He dug into his sweatpants, reading off the message I had just thought about."Please call me. It's important. It's about New Amsterdam. May I add, in all caps."

"When you first approached me about my addiction, I was beyond angry that Sharpe had spilled my secret. The last thing I wanted was people to think their doctor had a drug problem, or that I was repeating history in my own life."

"Like your mom and sister?" Max breathed out deeply, knowing who I was talking about. "You know everyone I know has a reason for becoming a doctor. Mine was my sister, Luna. I realized when I couldn't help her, I could do something to remedy that."

"You changed this hospital, Max." I looked down at Luna who had snuggled comfortably into me and it warmed my heart. At the same time, I just wanted to run and hide."Me on the other hand, I repeated history and that's something I am going to live with for the rest of my life. I put my patients in jeopardy. I lied. So I came to tell you myself that I can't be a part of it any more."

"You're quitting." Max fell into the seat next to the hospital bed, looking quite stunned "Is there anything I can say that will change your mind?"

"No." I said softly, offering Luna back. I could feel my emotions about to break and I especially didn't need the medical director to see me crying. "No matter what happens, you're going to do great with her and with this hospital. Dr. Candelario will be a good candidate to take over permanently. I'll clean out my locker when I get out of here." I turned my head in the other direction, holding back the tears as he stood up.

"If it's any consolation, you were always a good doctor, Lauren. You've just been dealt some very bad things you didn't ask to have in your life." At this point, I couldn't even look at him. I could only let his words sink in. "You don't think you've done anything but you ran a whole emergency department and saved many people over the ones you think you lost. Despite what you think, you've done something with your life. You should be proud of that." Hooking the carrier over his arm, he carried Luna out of the room and walked back down the hall.

I wanted to believe I could come back from this because of what I had done, but the truth was I felt even farther from a true decision about leaving as I was left alone. Honestly, I needed time to actually sort out all my emotions and think about everything. The next thing I knew, I had grabbed the whiteboard from the side of the bed. In the middle of the board I had written, _Please, no more visitors._


	7. Drops of Jupiter

"You know you're making a lot of people jealous of letting me in. You know that, right?" Floyd slipped into the room, his expression was extremely amused as he let the sliding door close. "Especially after putting specific instructions for no visitors and then asking for me by name to come in here."

"I know. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? I deadpanned, trying to stay upbeat at the prospect that he had come after I had asked the nurse to get the message to him. "Somebody I haven't exactly seen eye to eye while working here, and now you're about the only one I want to talk to."

"Sounds about right. I wasn't exactly the best friend to you while you were working here." Floyd crossed the room swiftly and pulled up a chair. "Considering it still sounds like you're planning on leaving the hospital, have you told Max?"

"Yeah. He came in earlier with Luna. Said Georgia was still recovering. Iggy came too before that. Both were oddly vague about how she was really doing."

"She's hanging in there." Floyd began, changing his tone. I knew I could always rely on him for the truth nobody else was telling me. "Like you, she was in a coma. She ended up waking up by herself last night, but she's still in that grey area where no one really knows what's going to happen."

"You know I didn't really think about what I was doing when I got to Max's apartment." I said, even though the whole day was still fuzzy, including the time of the crash."When he opened that door, it was like every thought about telling him just went out the window. He was covered in blood, all over his shirt and hands."

_Not, it's not me. It's Georgia. _

"He could barely form a sentence, let alone make a decision. I'm pretty sure I asked him what had happened and walked into the apartment."

"It sounds like you took charge."

"I did what I had to do. I was all for waiting to see if the paramedics would come, but it was like that anxious feeling stayed with me until it actually happened, until she crashed and burned and there was nothing else we could do."

"So you delivered her baby."

"Yes. As crazy and as dangerous as it was, I made the decision and delivered Luna and then packed Georgia's stomach with what we could find. It was a rush that I remember having when I first got the hang of medicine."

"What about now?" Floyd asked without missing a beat. No judgment lingering in his tone, he was intently listening to what I had to say. "What do you feel?"

"Confusion. Sadness. Like I'm a liability to this hospital they don't need, and I should get out of here as soon as possible before I ruin the place."

"You think you're a liability?

"Basically another term for saying I'm a mess." I clarified with a small smile to let him know I was half-teasing about it. When in reality, I felt like I was a liability. If I came back to this hospital, I would have so much to face that the whole thing made me want to run out of here and never come back.

"So what's really holding you back? I mean, you were totally in your element when you were at Max's. You took charge of a situation to save two people, who just happened to be related to the medical director, only to be fighting for your own life not thirty minutes after leaving the apartment. What made you jump into that ambulance afterward when you could have taken a taxi and gone home?"

Why didn't I go home that day? I had to ask myself that question again, even though I was pretty sure I knew the answer to that question. I didn't want to leave. Yet, the whole thought of coming back made me nothing but anxious and uncertain.

"I don't know-" I lied, half-changing my mind about telling him about how I felt about everything. Although, my thoughts didn't come as filtered as I thought they would when they spilled out of my mouth. "I guess I was hoping something would change if I stepped back into New Amsterdam. Not as a doctor, but as an individual who was seeing the hospital for the first time."

"You were trying to make peace with what happened."

"Yeah. In some way, I guess I did make peace. I went to rehab, cleared my mind of anything remotely to do with work. I had way more time on my hands to think of other things than I have in years. I even thought about going to see my mom and sister at one point."

"Really?"

"I told you I had a lot of time on my hands. I chuckled once before my happiness faded and I grew serious. "I never thought I would be at this point where I would have to I was going to do with the rest of my life. Max mentioned we all become doctors for a reason, but what if I don't have a reason anymore?"

"Then you find one. And if you can't find one, maybe that's when you walk away and cut your losses." He stated seriously, although somewhere in there I could see his words didn't quite match up with what he thought I should do. "I meant it when I said you were an exceptional doctor, and that I would never question your judgment again."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't mean-"

"Yeah, you did." He interrupted, chuckling loudly as it echoed around the closed room. "And I deserved it after insulting your abilities as a doctor. So if I haven't said it before, I'm telling you now that you are a good doctor. You just have to believe that you are." He paused, smirking boldly. "That's why you called me here, isn't it? So I could talk you out of something you didn't know you could go forward with?"

"Maybe."


	8. Questions- Part One

"Lauren. It's good to see you awake." Dr. Candelario stepped to the end of my bed. It had now been a week and a half since the accident and I had finally been moved from the ICU. I was also staying awake more, which was kind of a good and bad thing since that meant I was more aware of my surroundings "How are you feeling?"

"If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I would be extremely rich by now."

"Probably true." Dr. Candelario laughed, quite amused as she held my chart out in front of her. "You know we only ask so you get the best care."

"Mmm…" I nodded my head, understanding where she was coming from when she said that. As a doctor, I had strived to take the very best care of my patients. On the other hand, I was struggling to voice all my thoughts about that statement.

"Lauren, how are you feeling emotionally?" My gaze flickered up to hers but only for a few seconds as my mouth parted open to respond. "Dr. Goodwin mentioned you were giving up being head of the emergency department."

"Right now I just want to get off all these drugs, so I can actually think straight." Turning my head into the direction of the machine, I read the rate of medicine flowing through that tube into my veins. I was more than discouraged how much medicine they were pumping through me, despite their knowledge of me being in rehab. "Also, for the record, I've already told a few people, but I would like to keep it to that circle of people until I'm discharged."

"I completely understand you wanting to go out without all the fuss. Although, you should know those same coworkers you're not telling this news to, are the same ones who have been disappointed to find your ban on visitors still hasn't been lifted." She nodded respectfully as she closed my file and set it on the small table behind her.

"I can imagine they gave you an earful for that one."

"Some of them." She smiled knowingly, shoving her hands into the pockets of her white coat. Every doctor had a telling sign of when they were irritated or unsatisfied. Mine was putting my hands on my hips, hers was to shove her hands into her pockets. "Just so you're aware, I know of your situation. However, the injuries you sustained during the crash were quite extensive and your blood pressure would not stabilize without them."

"I understand that. Now it's been almost a week and a half since the accident. I know my injuries won't automatically heal themselves, but I also didn't just go to rehab just to mess it all up for myself."

"Lauren, your injuries consist of a concussion, broken ribs, left broken leg, a large gash on your head, a lacerated liver and bruised pelvis. I don't have to tell you how serious those injuries are because you already know they can cause numerous problems. Not to mention the pain it can cause while you're recovering."

"I can handle it," I stated adamantly, standing my ground. While some part of me was more aware of the pain, I could either care less about it. I couldn't chance a recovery I had apparently been waiting so long for.

"Tell you what. Let's start weaning you off whatever we can. If your blood pressure stays stable, then we will put a plan into action to get you off them completely."

"Fine." My eyes flickered over to the door to see Helen standing there in a loose white shirt, maroon colored jeans and flats. "I guess you heard all that?" I questioned as she held the door open for Dr. Candelario to pass by.

"I think I got the gist of it.." As she approached slowly, I could see the cuts on her face, some more faded than others that signified she had been in an accident."You want to get off something that could possibly relapse your recovery."

"Then you understand I can't go back to the person I once was."

"I do. Which is why I'm fighting for your recovery, wholeheartedly." She gazed outside the door where Dr. Candelario had her back turned to us while talking to another nurse. "In fact, if you hadn't seen me when you did, I would have been outside having some lengthy conversation with Dr. Candelario instead of talking to you."

"Which leaves me to consider why you were standing by my door in the first place."

"Mostly I've caught you sleeping while passing by when I'm here at the hospital." Helen slumped down in the chair, which I had to say was slightly unusual compared to how proper she was as both an individual and doctor. "And before you ask, no I'm technically not back yet."

"What's stopping you?"

"This rather large bump o+n the back of my head has finally gone down, but I'm still experiencing some headaches and dizziness. Kind of a post-concussion headache for hitting the back of the ambulance cab."

"Ouch." I felt myself physically wince, not because I had heard a lot about the accident but because hearing it out loud was only causing it to become more and more real to me.

"Have you thought about what you're going to do next?" Helen questioned, although hesitantly since the last time we had really spoken was when she had turned me in to Max. I guess I felt some of that same hesitation because I wasn't really sure how to respond. I knew that without her, I would have ended in some deep dark place. Perhaps I would have eventually killed myself by addiction, or fatally injured someone that I could never recover from it. On the other hand, I believed she could be a friend and not say anything. Guess I was wrong.

"After I get out of here?" She nodded softly as she placed her hand against her cheek. "I thought I would burn a few bridges with my mom and sister. Who knows. Maybe I can be what you were all to me."

"Have you told Max you're leaving?"

"A few days ago." Pulling up the edge of the tape holding my IV, I scratched the itch that had been bugging me on and off throughout our conversation. "Haven't seen him since then, but then again he's running a hospital, battling cancer, trying to raise a newborn and his wife is in the hospital."

"He has a lot on his plate right now." She turned her head towards the door. "It seems like we all do these days. You, me, Max-"

"What is going on with Dr. Frome?" I asked out of the blue. I didn't want to dodge the situation that was making me question things. It wasn't as if I could just get up anymore.

"And we're going straight to it."

"Like I told Dr. Reynolds. I don't have much room for small talk anymore. It's kind of what they drilled into us. So I'm working on it in any way I can."


	9. Questions- Part Two

"I can tell." Helen nodded with a slight smile, her expression suddenly somber as she looked up at the ceiling then back at me. "Lauren, someone launched a formal investigation on Dr. Frome."

"A formal investigation?" I was more than surprised as Iggy had always been a great friend and coworker since the day I started working at New Amsterdam. "Who?"

"Although I can't go into detail, this person believed some boundaries were crossed and it took a while to sort everything out. The only problem is that he seems to be shaken by what happened,"

"I guess that makes sense to why he wasn't himself when he stopped by the other day." Things were beginning to make more sense, especially when you had all the missing pieces. It was a different world when you couldn't get up and talk to people. You had to rely on others to get the information. "It's not easy when you're called out on something

"I kind of know the feeling," I muttered under my breath while realizing for the first time that Dr. Frome and I were kind of going through similar situations having our abilities tested as doctors. If I could even call myself that anymore.

"If anything, you and Iggy are some of the best doctors in this hospital," Helen stated, clearly addressing the elephant in the room. "I don't know how I'm going to get through the day without your witty remarks."

"I'm sure you'll find a way." I encouraged her, even though I felt my stomach sinking at the prospect of what the future held. There were so many emotions I was sorting through, I didn't know what I was doing anymore. A part of me just wanted to leave and never look back.

Another part wanted to convince myself and everyone around me that I was coming back to New Amsterdam. "If not, I can always text you plenty of sarcastic remarks to get you through your day. When I actually have my phone in my hand."

"I think it was damaged in the crash."

"The crash, right. I figured as much." Picking at the blanket again, I grabbed the remote to lift the

as far as I could stand the position. "I guess I haven't wanted to know much about it. However, from the looks of it, I'm guessing it was bad."

"Extremely." Helen took in a deep breath, her expression suddenly grim. "I suppose I haven't wanted to know a lot about the crash either. It's like my brain isn't physically able to process everything that's happened. But I'm also guessing we'll either choose to learn about it or go running out the door when we do." I laughed, feeling the tension dissipate just a little. It felt good to laugh, even though it hurt. It also felt good to know that not everything was alright with her either, which made me feel a little better about things.

"You never told me how things were going with you and Dr. Panthaki." Dr. Akash Panthaki is a good looking Indian American doctor that also works at New Amsterdam. "What? I saw the way you were always looking at him when he was nearby."

"He wanted me to come to Brussels with him. And I might have said no." She squinted, her voice rising and full of regret because of her decision. "I have no idea what I was thinking when I told him this. I thought he would be understanding because we both shared what it's like to deal with patients who were going through chemotherapy. Instead, he looked at me like I had betrayed him and walked right out the door."

"You gave up going to Brussels because of Max?" I stated softly, readjusting myself so I felt a little more comfortable and this time while digging into my friend's love life.

"I know there was a time when no one could keep me from traveling, and I would have much rather been on an airplane instead of helping my patients." Casting her gaze down towards the floor, she then settled on a spot near the door. "I had forgotten what being a doctor meant. Then Max came along and he helped me rediscover my love of medicine, something I had been struggling with for a while."

"Ah, so this about you helping Max because he helped you."

"I guess in a way it is." She stated thoughtfully, giving a gentle nod in my direction. "Call it what you want, but I've never had anyone willing to take command and be so willing to change things for the better. Not only did he help me, but he also helped just about everyone in this hospital."

"I agree." I thought back to my earlier conversation with Max, his wide-eyed expression floating back to me as he placed Luna in my arms. It made me realize Helen had a point. Although he hadn't said a word about it, his body language clearly screamed he was overwhelmed and needed help.

"I should let you get some rest."

"Before you do, can you tell the nurses to lift the no visitors rule?" I stated before I knew what was coming out of my mouth. The truth was it was starting to get kind of lonely in here when you only had a few magazines and a television to keep you company.

"I will let them know." Standing up, she tugged at her shirt and proceeded to leave the room. "Are you sure you want everyone coming here again?"

"No." I chuckled softly, agreeing silently with her. "But I have to admit, television isn't what it's cut out to be. I hardly watched it as a kid. Why should I start now?" I half teased, hoping she would get what I was trying to say. Words weren't really coming to me right now."

"So, limited visitors then?"

"Limited visitors would be great." I sighed in understanding, almost relief as she cast a friendly smile in my direction. It was nice to know we still had some kind of connection.

"I will let them the nurse's desk know."

"Thank you."


	10. Stuck in the Middle

"Are you nuts? Dr. Candelario just filled me in about you going without drugs for your physical therapy." Casey entered the room as if there was a fire and he was coming to whisk me to safety.

"Hello to you too." I joked lightly, although I was starting to wonder if making a game out of who walked into the room next would be more amusing. "That the only reason you came in here, to ask if I was going without drugs while undergoing physical therapy?"

"No. I think we both know why you're doing it, but you know just as well as I do there are protocols they can use so you don't pass out while you're getting back to your normal, happy self."

"I knew you cared about me." I couldn't help but tease him. In a way, he was like the little brother I never had but always wished for. "Right now it's light therapy. Nothing I can't handle."

"Light therapy." He scoffed, scraping the chair legs against the tile floor in the most annoying way possible as he pulled it towards the bed. "You do know it doesn't work like that."

"How's the family?" I asked, knowing he couldn't resist talking about his family, especially when it came to his little girl.

"Lu is growing like a weed." He gushed as he picked up his phone as if he were going to show me and then placed it back in his lap. You need to come over and see her before she gets too big. She keeps asking for Lar, which I'm guessing is you. You're the only Lauren who has come over to the house."

"In that case, I will have to come over and see her again."

"She would love that." He mused, then paused for a moment. For a few seconds, I could hear the drone of voices in the hospital as a few nurses raced down the hall, although Casey barely seemed to notice. "You know for someone who isn't much of a kid person, my daughter sure loves you."

"What can I say? She's got her father's argumentative persuasion. Not to mention, the cute factor is on her side."

"Thank goodness, she looks more like her mother." Casey sighed in relief. "Don't tell her I said that." I made a zipping motion with my fingers. My body was finally starting to cooperate a little more and feel a little less stiff and it was pretty welcoming after feeling helpless lately. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"I do." I had to admit that change of subject caught me slightly off guard before I caught on and wondered what he was really getting at. Sure, he had always been my right-hand man when it came to running the emergency department. We had talked about most things, although I had left most of my past out of conversations for a reason. Now, the more I thought about it, the more I realized the whole situation was because of suppressed emotions and secrets I had kept.

I walked away from my sister and mom with such extreme guilt, I couldn't breathe at times. Yet, if I hadn't left, I would have never had that push to go to college or to become a doctor. I would have never met Casey and all the wonderful people I worked with on a daily basis. The people who had become my family when I didn't have any. Yet, I would have never put those relationships in jeopardy if I had never taken more Adderall than what was prescribed. I would have never had to tell Helen about my addiction. I would have never taken a taxi to Max's apartment.

"Good. You look like you have a lot on your mind." He mused as his expression grew serious. Oh, how I wished I could just scream out everything that was plaguing me. How everyone that came into this room made me reconsider what I was doing. How I kept asking myself the same questions as if I were some broken record.

"Yeah, well when have you ever known me not to have something on my mind?"

"That's a fair point." He rubbed at his left eyebrow with a sigh. I thought he was going to let the conversation drop and leave, but he continued and my stomach knotted up in anticipation. "Would part of your thoughts have something to do with you leaving New Amsterdam?" As I tensed up, my blood pressure spiked on the heart monitor.

"Yes and no." I didn't directly confirm that I was leaving. The more people that knew about it, the more likely I wasn't getting out of here without people hitting me with questions. "I should have known you would figure it out."

"What I don't understand is why wouldn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't." I shook my head, trying to contain the emotions rising inside of me. This was harder than I thought and sometimes leaving just didn't feel worth the emotional pain I was putting myself through. "Look, the day I came to see Max at his apartment was the day I planned on telling him I wasn't coming back. Even when he opened his apartment door covered in blood, I threw my explanation out the door because a little part of me thought I could do this again."

"So, what changed?" He shrugged his shoulders and I shook my head again, not able to find the exact words to explain my reasoning. The worst was gazing over at him and recognizing the hurt and confusion written all over his expression.

"Don't you think I would give you an answer if I knew it?" I sputtered out, not even caring if my heart monitor was going a little crazy at the moment. I didn't even care if a nurse or a doctor came running in here if it would save me from answering everyone's crazy questions. "I can't give you questions to something I don't know."

"Is everything okay in here?" A nurse popped her head into the room. I recognized her from the millions of times she had come into the room taking care of me. She had short blonde hair with fluffed up bangs, tall but petite. I think her name was Angela?

"Fine. He was just leaving." I stated, shooting invisible arrows in his direction as he stormed out of the room.


End file.
